Ecclesiastes

Writing is therapeutic for me. For some, it's cooking delicious meals. For others, it's running 25.4 mile marathons. And still, for others, it's the joy of volunteering for feed-the-hunger campaigns in Africa, Southeast Asia, and the tiny town that sits 100 yards from the nearest million-dollar tourist resort in the Dominican Republic.

Here I sit, releasing my stress, on a blog that attempts to bring awareness to the significance of a dirty diaper and to the daily battle of oatmeal or cereal for breakfast?

Yet, I know-really, really know-that the time I spend raising my children is going to make a huge stinking difference one day. Although a Nobel Prize would seem nobler (the type they awarded back in the olden days, that is), and the vision of me walking across downtown Chicago in high black heels and a sexy skirt on my way to a high-paying job of utter professionalism sometimes makes me yearn for something more, I still know it.

So nodding my head to the tune of the washing machine that washes the pee-soaked sheets, and smelling the aromas of the fresh spit up on my clothes, I let out my feelings in words.

Oh, what should I share today? The conversation I had with my husband this morning that started with I look awful! I look like I gained 20 pounds overnight! and ended with me admitting my breakfast consisted of 2 fudgy brownies? That the highlight of my week is that Claire slept 10 hours last night?

Oh, is there really purpose in all of this?? Can I admit that every time a mother says "My Ministry is my children?" (as I've told myself many times before), I get a little throw-up in my mouth? There must be more...the meaning can't just be written in the cat vomit on the kitchen floor this morning.

Here's the thing. There is no purpose in what I do. It is meaningless. Meaningless for the need that is in my heart. I am always yearning for something more, even in the moments that everything about me feels good and complete. It is all utter meaningless. God watches us go through the motions, doing more and more, and us searching for that ah-ha moment, and us searching for something grander, and us trying to figure out how we can be unstuck in life, and stop feeling so tired in life, and maybe that next step in life will be the kicker, or maybe this job will be what we need, or maybe if we just cook a really good meal for the family, we'll feel better about ourselves. Nothing that I do will ever bring me meaning or achieve my purpose. Nothing. Absolutely, completely, totally, undeniably, nothing. It is all meaningless.


Ecclesiastes

1 These are the words of the Teacher,* King David’s son, who ruled in Jerusalem.
Everything Is Meaningless
2 “Everything is meaningless,” says the Teacher, “completely meaningless!”
3 What do people get for all their hard work under the sun? 4 Generations come and generations go, but the earth never changes. 5 The sun rises and the sun sets, then hurries around to rise again. 6 The wind blows south, and then turns north. Around and around it goes, blowing in circles. 7 Rivers run into the sea, but the sea is never full. Then the water returns again to the rivers and flows out again to the sea. 8 Everything is wearisome beyond description. No matter how much we see, we are never satisfied. No matter how much we hear, we are not content.
* Hebrew Qoheleth; this term is rendered “the Teacher” throughout this book.
Tyndale House Publishers: Holy Bible : New Living Translation. 2nd ed. Wheaton, Ill. : Tyndale House Publishers, 2004, Ec

I don't want the high heels. I don't want to obtain world peace, or write a novel, or raise the smartest kids on the block. I want to go back home. Where I was born. Before we screwed up. I'm just not myself until I get there.

And though they would forget him, and run from him, deep in their hearts, God's children would miss him always, and long for him-lost children yearning for their home.
-Sally Lloyd-Jones, the Jesus Storybook Bible.

Until I find myself there, I am stuck here. But while I am stuck here, at least I've got the coolest people to be stuck with.


9 Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. 10 If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. 11 Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? 12 A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.
Tyndale House Publishers: Holy Bible : New Living Translation. 2nd ed. Wheaton, Ill. : Tyndale House Publishers, 2004, S. Ec 4:9

And I'll do the best job I can, and try to have as much fun while I can, because I've been given it. But I will still continue to search for the meaning, because that was always a part of the culture where I first came from.


9 What do people really get for all their hard work? 10 I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. 11 Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end. 12 So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can. 13 And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God.
Tyndale House Publishers: Holy Bible : New Living Translation. 2nd ed. Wheaton, Ill. : Tyndale House Publishers, 2004, S. Ec 3:9