Yesterday, I started contemplating on the last 6 years of my life. I don't know why. I was out in the yard, doing things that I normally haven't time for. Cleaning, weeding, hanging lights. The girls were running around and playing, and I felt a peace and energy I haven't felt in a long time. And also maybe because Dustin mentioned wanting to have another baby, and I freaked out.
The last 6 years (basically starting at the time I was pregnant with Lara), have by no means been a horrible struggle. People deal with horrible health and mental problems in which they can hardly get out of bed. People deal with traumatic struggles every day. The Last 6 Years have been far from traumatic, but they were unsettling. While pregnant with Lara, I was very unhappy in my job. Then I had to quit (yay) because I was put on strict bedrest after a pre-term labor scare at 27 weeks (boo), at which time I was heavily drugged for 2 days, trying to turn my cervix into a rock. When Lara was born (full-term), the next several months were spent in delight and turmoil, as I knew little about babies, especially those that cry all.the.time. When I started settling into a comfort as a mother, we got the news: Lara probably has cerebral palsy. Having little idea of what the future held for her, I tried to be brave and strong, but I yelled at God a few times. Her official diagnosis came at 14 months, and 6 months later, I was pregnant with Claire (surprise!). When Claire was born, she was an easier baby than Lara, but was a horrible.sleeper. For 18 months, I never slept more than 2 hours at a time. Unless I was under anesthesia for 6 hours...in any of the 3 major ear surgeries I had in order to remove a cholesteatoma, a problem that doesn't usually happen to people (unless you are a really tired mom who is nursing a baby that won't take a bottle and won't sleep at night). During this time, I gained weight, didn't brush my hair, and forgot that dresses, or even blue jeans, were invented. I was tired and unhealthy, not taking any time to take care of myself at all. But at the 18mo mark, when Claire only woke up once a night, I got myself back on track. Within 6 months, I had lost the extra weight, was eating healthier, and even starting painting my toenails. But then we moved. Lived with Dustin's parents for 3 1/2 months, then finally into the country home we had our hearts set on for over a year. Dustin started his bee business, and we settled in. In the midst of all this, we had the normal financial woes, and heavy involvement in a church 30 minutes away kept us busy.
Lara is great. Lara's technical diagnosis is Spastic Diplegia Cerebral Palsy, a form most commonly seen in children who suffered perterm delivery. But Lara has received another diagnosis from her specialist: she is the exception to the norm of cerebral palsy. All other aspects of her physical and cognitive development are normal, if not advanced. Her diagnosis is strictly limited to just her legs, causing most people to be very surprised to hear her diagnosis.
Claire sleeps totally through the night now, and not one night goes by that I don't breathe a sigh of relief at a full night's sleep: I don't take it for granted. My pregnancy with her was uneventful.
So as I was walking around my yard yesterday, enjoying the beautiful weather, I finally just felt a calming peace. I just feel that life is finally calming down. That I can breathe a little and that I have a firmer grip on the handles of the roller coaster. Believe Me! The Last 6 Years have been a blessing in unimaginable ways, and I am thankful for them, and I rejoice in the growth and strength I experienced. I mean, that's just life. It's how it goes. Some people have it way easier, and some people have it way harder. You just deal with what you have. BUT. I appreciate how things feel now too. I am glad that I finally feel that life is settling down and not continuing to push me into uncomfortable situations. I just need this for a little while. Like running and exercising, you push yourself every day, but take a day off to re-cooperate. Right now, I am re-cooperating. And it just feels really.really.good. :D
jeremiah 29
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
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