We are a happy family. We smile a lot and play a lot and hug a lot and pray a lot. We also cry, yell, and fight, but it is pretty minimal. I so badly want to have a good relationship with my children. Not the Gilmore-Girls style where my daughters and I can hang out in our own secret club with inside jokes and secret handshakes and convince ourselves our mistakes are okay when they are not. But enough of a good relationship that I would never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever hear those four dreaded words.
"Mom, " my 6 year old daughter asked me one morning, "could I please erase something off of your computer?" I was too busy dealing with grouchy kids and trying to get breakfast on the table, so I simply said, "No, I don't want you to take anything off of my computer."
Later the night I was reviewing the video diaries my girls love to make. Lara went downstairs. In the videos, the girls were playing with their babysitter (who warned me about a particular video but I forgot it). It was so cute and funny, so I uploaded it to Facebook. I THEN watched the video in its entirety and immediately deleted it. I guess because I didn't want the world to see my daughter say "I hate my mom!"
My brain works differently than most people's. Or maybe it is actually the same, who knows, I don't understand neuroscience jargon. But I always think really smart about things first, and then the stupid emotions come flying in later. So my first thought was, "I know Lara doesn't mean that, she's just being silly..." Then suddenly it was like wait...she said she hates me. Hates me! Hates me! The smart part of my brain (what? Is that up in my forehead?) tried desperately to hold the walls of sanity while it rained arrows down upon my emotional army. And as any woman can attest to, and men too with great frustration, the Emotion Army will always, always win.
I confronted Lara about it, calmly. She began to cry, saying, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" I didn't mean it!" I told her right away that I forgave her, because I sort of feel that if my children don't feel forgiveness from me, they will probably not feel it from God either. Not that I am second to God.
Lara was hijacked by guilt. She was laying on the floor. I went over and picked her up and put her on my lap, and hugged her.
I know you love me. I know you do because you smile at me. You always want to play with me. You take care of me when I feel bad. I know you love me. You just said the wrong words. You have to think before you talk and say what is the truth.
What words should I have used?
You should NOT have said I hate my mom. You should have said I hate that my mom is coming home now because I am having such a good time with the babysitter.
Once I got the girls in bed, I came downstairs and took a deep breath. As it typical of me, I shut the bathroom door (that's the ultimate sign: DO NOT TALK TO MOM). Just needed a breather. I really wasn't that upset about my daughter saying this. I knew what she really meant, and I knew she was just being so silly in the video that she wasn't thinking of her words. We have a great relationship. But my relationship is not so great with a few other people in my life, and my heart began to search, once again, for some answers.
I began to think about my ability to handle hurtful situations with other people, what might be seen as a blatant attack. If I could extend grace and compassion and say, "I will forgive you...even more so, I understand that you didn't use the right words to convey what you are really feeling." Can I choose to believe something better lies in the middle of the hurtful words and actions? Can I choose to remember that they are battling their own issues with rejection, resentment, frustration, or depression-and on this day, they just simply lost; it really has very little to do with me?
There are always two sides to every story. And basically, it's like this: we are all on one side, and Satan is on the other. Our battle with one another is more a direct result of the injury we receive from the opposing side.
Can I choose to stay on the team? Or will I continue to bow out at every hurt and transgression? What will you choose?
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