Here I Am

I went to the library last night with Lara. An employee asked me where I work, and after I told her I stay at home, she nodded reassuringly and said, "Well, that is okaaaay..."

I actually wasn't insulted because I have always felt very confident and proud of my decision to stay home with my girls, and noone can take that away from me. I was disappointed in the implication that what I do is not as good as working outside the home. I continued to think on it as I roamed through the library that looks like it dropped out of 1957, and pondered on why some people feel that they are SUPPOSED to be a part of the outside work force. It really does not take much thought, considering that we are success-driven America, full of hard workers, explorers, and with opportunity all around.

But I missed that boat. I had big ideas when I was young, and I took some great opportunities, went to college, and had great experiences (I will include one of the most original experiences at the bottom of this post). And eventually I matured enough to just listen to my own heart and ignore the expectations. And my heart's desire was to create a very happy and loving home for my children, which for ME, would not have been possible if I worked elsewhere because I wouldn't be able to handle all of that.

When I watch "Charlie & The Chocolate Factory" 4 times a day with Lara, I do see that crooked little shack with barely a roof as a beautiful and happy place. I don't have ideals elsewhere.

So, yeah...I think it is okay.

* * *

When I was in college, I took a Non-Western Religions course. The main course project was to choose a religion to study and research. There were two parts to the project, and one part was to attend a ritual/ceremony of your chosen religion. It was great fun. I chose WICCA. I was just hoping to get my hands on a magic wand or potion or something (j/k).

I made contact with a witch who lived east of Bloomington, and she and her coven were very welcoming and allowed me to attend a beginning-of-Spring ritual. I had already met her once for an interview, and planned to re-visit her again at her home, where the ritual would take place.

I borrowed my friend's car and, feeling just slightly nervous, I drove up to Bloomington alone and wary. The transmission was seeing the end to its days, so unfortunately I found myself stranded in the middle of the country with no way to contact anyone. I took a deep breath and urged the car another mile down the road to a country home, where I was welcomed like one of the family (this is because they momentarily thought I was their red-headed cousin as I drove up the lane). I asked to use their phone, and I called my witch friend. They couldn't understand where I was, since there was no good way to explain it, being in the middle of nowhere, but her husband went out looking for me. After a good 45 minutes or so, he picked me up. I apologized profusely when I saw the time. I ended up missing the ritual because of car trouble and being stranded.

"Oh, no," he said, "The coven is waiting for you. We will start when you get there."

It was not a formal affair, and there were only about 5 or so people there. There were some recitations, as they offered praise to the fertility goddess. I participated in it because it is necessary to have a "when in Rome" mentality about these things-you don't want to look like a judgmental outsider. The truth in your heart is the only thing that makes your actions real. We all drank from a goblet of alcohol that was passed around the circle, and I find it ironic that my first drink of alcohol was due to a religious paper I had to write. We later went outside and gathered around a tree but I can't remember what we did. I think it was mostly prayer. Then we came in for food and talk. The witch was asked to heal one of the woman there who had leg problems. She began massaging the leg, but simply chatted with the woman as she did this. This made me realize how Americans tend to react strongly to severity and project their judgements onto situations. I assumed this witch would cast a spell or do a little dance or something...There is a real belief in the elements of the world and in certain supernatural beings in the Wicca religion, and the hocus-pocus we often hear of is considered a wiccan faux pa. I was critized by friends when I was in college because I read and loved the Harry Potter series. You see, it was "magic" and shouldn't be condoned in any way. It was an ignorant statement with litte forethought put into it, so I ignored it.

After the ceremony was over, I called my friend about her car, who explained that all the shimmying and grinding and engine trouble was actually how the car ran on a normal basis, so I was fine to drive it home. I had called my mom in the meantime and left her message, and she was very worried. "You participated in a WHAT?" "You were stranded WHERE?" In the end, we had a good laugh, and I still remember a really strange thing the witch's husband said to me.

"If you are going to be a Christian, just be one of the good ones, you know? Don't be the type that's judgemental and condescending, be the type who just CARES."

My friend's car finally broke down for good a couple weeks later.

And the witch was later asked to be a guest speaker on campus.