I am very excited about our move, as well as apprehensive, as it is a big change. We've not had any luck at all in getting our current house sold. Eventually, it will sell, but I do hate to leave without something done here. It just doesn't feel right. I've been praying a lot about this situation. And trying not to be in control.So, the girls are doing well. We spent the morning at the zoo Saturday and have enjoyed beautiful weather today and had dessert at our neighbor's house. Spring always puts a...spring...in your step. I think we had a pretty good winter. Not too much sickness and good fun and happiness.
Lara has certainly given me pains over the last couple weeks with "But..." But she wants to wear something else, BUT she wants to eat something else, BUT she doesn't want to go there, BUT BUT BUT. So there's a combination of responses on my part, some calmly explaining my reasons for things, and other responses being, "Just because I said so! No more buts!" To which Lara responds, "There are too more buts!" Also, her bedroom is a constant pigsty. We have to deep clean it, like, every night.
Claire is something else. I have no control with her. She will run where she wants, scream how she wants, eat what she wants. Okay, so she is not even two yet, and so doesn't quite have the comprehension for obeying, but I feel confident in my perception of how she is going to be as she gets older. Claire doesn't really have a pleasing nature. She doesn't care if Mom and Dad are happy with her or mad at her. It makes no difference to her if she is in big trouble.
Aside from these negative attributes, however, both girls are very sweet and cute. Neither of them are a handful by themselves, and are a lot of fun. Lara will tell all kinds of great stories, and make you tea called "French Pillows" and Claire will prance in circles around the living, pumping her arms up and down to music. Claire will stand perfectly still, staring down at her chubby little belly sticking out from under all her shirts and Lara will read a Dick & Jane book to her sister all by herself.
On Being a Mother
I've learned something about myself recently that I am not afraid to admit here to all my readers. Often, growing up, I was asked the mundane question, "What's it like to be a preacher's kid?" Well, I never made a big deal out of being a PK, and most of my friends sensed that and neither did they. My dad is really nice and outgoing, and draws people in, so certainly my non-religious friends never seemed to feel awkward being around him. How do you respond to that question? I never had an answer, and some adults would specify issues I might have, but usually those were not issues for me, or if they were, I was not comfortable voicing it. The truth is, I understood the value of the work my father did, and always felt I should put that above myself. You can't be egocentric in ministry.
My dad is still a preacher, but not in the traditional sense. He does not lead a traditional, American church. His work now is quite different. It has been asked of me, and specifically discussed with my parents the last I saw them, if I would attend church with them once we move to Homer. They assumed I would not, and my honesty as to why opened a really authentic conversation with my parents. My younger sister thought my reasons immature, but she is fathered by a very different preacher than I was, under very different circumstances. This portion of the post is not about my reasons, but in the event I aroused curiosity, the reasons are of purely identity issues. I don't want to go to a church where I have to be the PK. Most people in my current church have no idea I grew up a PK; I am trying to shake that identity off me. I have gone my whole life with everyone looking at me and judging me through PK lenses (mostly older adults; never my true friends), and I just wish people would know that I am more than that. My father is an awesome Christian man who upsets most people with his passion for uprooting the traditional, and his vision for an Acts 2 church. I am proud of him!
Really, this portion is about the conversation I had with my parents. My mom shared some information with me that I already knew or sensed deep in the core of my being, but hearing my mother share it, brought all my insecurities flying to the surface.
A Fish Bowl
As a preacher's family, appearance and impression mean A LOT. Not just on Sunday morning at church, but in every aspect of life. We needed to have it together. We were always being scrutinized. We were being scrutinized by people who understood we were just a human family, too. The preacher's family leads the church. If the preacher's kids aren't good, what is that as an example to the other parents and kids? If the family isn't stable, obviously the preacher isn't suited for leading, if he can't lead his family. People in the church need to like you. If they don't like you, they will give reasons why you aren't suited for ministry.
So I grew up with a mother who was very concerned about what people said and did about any of us. My dad's job was on the line. We had to look our best, act our best. She would be horribly embarrassed whenever another individual would comment on a behavior-us girls fighting with each other or my brothers throwing rocks, and she would come home from church in tears. You know, these were things all kids did, but for some reason, they were less tolerable of us. And us kids in turn thought our mother was crazy because Why do you care what they think? We are friends with their kids, Mom! Trust us, they do this too! We couldn't comprehend why we had to be different because we were the preacher's family. On the other hand, my mother would be applauded for raising such "good" kids, but that would be the worst. Then my mother was so afraid she would disappoint. The pressure was on for us kids...from parents whose kids did drugs and went to late-night parties. (I am not meaning to judge these parents, but you would just think these parents would understand and extend a little more mercy.)
I know some of you think I am being dramatic. I am not being dramatic when I tell you a family was asked to step out of leadership because the other leaders did not support the parents homeschooling their children (my dad started as the preacher one week after this family left that church and we never shared that view). If that had been us, my dad would have been jobless.
We also ministered mostly in small towns, where, as we all know, gossip flies its highest.
What I Realized
I was raised in a fish bowl. And, after having this conversation with my mother, I realized I am still in the fish bowl. I still always feel that pressure. The pressure that my children need to look good and act good. The pressure that I need to be a solid, strong, stable woman. The pressure to be respected. Dustin was in this conversation too, and he said, "You know, that's really how Jennifer is now too." It's like I feel that we need to be a perfect, little family.
How the Fish Swim
So I don't like to tell people I am a PK, because maybe then, I can just be myself. But it's hard to get away from that. A friend, who is a counselor, has told me a few times that I perceive and respond to things in a very careful and respectful manner. I don't want to rock the boat or hurt feelings. The reason, she stated, is because I am a preacher's kid; I was taught to never, ever hurt feelings and to always be respectful. She was dead-on. Of course, I know I have hurt feelings; another very close friend has often said to others of me, "She doesn't usually have an opinion or doesn't care to express it. But when she really, really does, WATCH OUT."
I don't know that all of my siblings feel this way. I am the oldest, and naturally the oldest is more quickly formed to the ideas of the parents. We have no one else to watch.
Back to Being a Mother
This conversation was so enlightening to me; something I always knew but really needed to hear it voiced. I've started reflecting a lot on the circumstances that trigger these feelings of inadequacy in me. I do not want to carry them down to my children. I am sure I will a little, but certainly I can rest assured knowing that it will decrease with each passing generation. And, of course, I know that most people feel at least a little of what I feel on a normal basis. My children will not be able to grow into their true selves if I am not being my true self; if I still live life thinking I am in this fish bowl.
I don't want my children to grow up thinking they have to always look and BE a certain way for the benefit of others. I mean, sometimes they will need to work on their impression, of course, but they are lucky that they are not in a fish bowl. I do want them to be respectful, but somehow I need to show them that it is perfectly acceptable to rock the boat, when the situation warrants it.
There is a lot of pressure to being a preacher's kid, is all I am trying to say, and I've never been able to shake that pressure off, even when no longer being under the preacher's roof. I am afraid I will communicate that pressure to my children and make them feel the same way. Being a Mother involves a lot of self-introspect and self-repairing in order to do the job right.
So what's it like being a preacher's kid?? Hmm....well, where do I start?
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