tired

I had a scary moment Wednesday night. I was working on a Women's Ministry project at the church and needed to take Lara with me. She was walking around with a surplus of different walking toys, keeping herself entertained. I forget how very fast she can walk, and it took me awhile to realize that even just 10 seconds with my head turned, and she would be clear down at the other end of the hall. There are stairs at one end, so I have to be careful to watch her. I've not seen Lara push her walking toy down any stairs yet, and I think she's smart enough to figure out that's not going to be good for her, but you never know. So my heart skipped a day's worth of beats when I checked out in the hall, and she was gone. Lara? Lara? Lara!! Which way do I go? Is she about to fall down stairs? Did she wonder into the construction zone (aka sanctuary)? Lara has a good head on her shoulders, and she knows what her body is capable of, but trips and falls come easily. And she is a toddler. So I have to watch her. And there have been plenty of times I've thanked God for blessing me with long arms. I stood out in the hall for a few seconds, panicking, not hearing a sound, and our big church suddenly quadrupled in size.

Lara! I heard Lara mimick me.

Where are you? I yelled.

And a brief second later, Lara pushed her big yellow shopping cart around the corner.

So I chided myself very sternly for turning my head just a second. But that's not the kind of panic you just get over. You realize you just had a lucky night.

Until Lara learns to walk, I'm going to need some anti-anxiety pills yet!!

I also subbed on Wednesday. When I got home, I did an hour therapy session with Lara before supper and heading into town. I've always done stretches and exercises here and there with Lara throughout the day. Now, however, I plan particular stretches of time to do therapy to ensure I'm doing enough. It's difficult. Even when Lara is cooperative. I know that it is important for Lara, that's why I do them! I really lack the time and resources to do as much as I would like, and I start blaming myself when I think Lara isn't doing as well as she should. Her specialist and therapist assure me she is doing good and her progress is good, but this is in my hands, and THAT is very stressful.

You have to be on your toes a lot with Lara. We don't watch TV much in my house. I've decided that I am not going to raise Lara on television, so I don't have 20 minutes here or there where I can plop her down in front of the screen and have some quiet time. Lara also doesn't care much for toys, so I find that I am trying to be creative in the time I spend with her, which is inbetween doing the dishes and making a meal. I guess I have decided I'm going to be the go-go-go kind of mother. So you can imagine that I am tired a lot. I usually feel very depleted. And somewhere in all of that, I have to search around for the energy to do therapy, the energy to hunch over for a whole block while I work on Lara's walking, the energy to pick her up and put her down, the energy to put on and take off braces throughout the day. And somewhere, I have to find the mental energy to talk about the same thing, when I would love to talk about something different. I would love to talk about the new things she does instead of how her therapy is going. I would love to talk about her birthday that is coming up instead of her recent global assessment.

But I just keep going, with virtually no end in sight. And I would love a break, but I've been given a life that doesn't have room for one. I'm not upset. I'm not mad. I'm not angry. Oh, no. I am fulfilled and I am grateful. I am just also very, very tired. But I remind myself that I am doing the best that I, mother, can. It may not be as good as other mothers, it may not live up to a lot of people's expectations, but I am giving as much as I can. And at the end of the day, I lift all that up to God and ask that He will bless what I managed to accomplish. And that He will give me strength with a new day.

Below are Macy & Lucas, the children I take care of throughout the week.